my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
