Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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