you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
