When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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