How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
