this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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