Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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