The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
