Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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