I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
