i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
