We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
