apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
