so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
