You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
