After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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