last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
