I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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