Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
