you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
