Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
