thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
