I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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