Sober January is a disaster.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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