god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
