3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
