life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
