Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
