ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
