i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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