one might say we're banned from that church
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
