Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also, beer. Big fan.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
