I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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