I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
