M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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