had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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