dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
