tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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