you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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