Well apparently he's into motor boating.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
