you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
