is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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