There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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