Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
