I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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