I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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