I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
