Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
