I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
