I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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